Dr. Eileen Kohutis
In some instances after a divorce, a child adamantly refuses or rejects any type of contact with the other parent. This refusal or rejection may be the opposite of the kind of the relationship that child and parent had when the parents were married and the child’s reasons may be logical and sensible or they may sound rehearsed and adult-like. Whatever the reason that that the child is rejecting the other parents and provided there is no substantiated child abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual), unless an intervention is made between the rejected parent and child the likelihood is that the relationship between that parent and that child will not be repaired for a very long time—if ever.
Reunification therapy is a court-ordered intervention to facilitate the relationship between the child and the rejected parent after the divorce. Its general goals are to help the child: acquire realistic view of rejected parent, cope with divorce issues, establish healthy relationships with both parents, and help with co-parenting issues. Typically, the child and the rejected parent have their own individual sessions and then joint therapy sessions with a mental health professional.
Programs Focusing on Parental Alienation:
Family Bridges, developed by Randy Rand and Richard Warshak , is a psycho-education program focusing on the present and the future. The goal is to teach children critical thinking skills and to promote their autonomy and to help parents learn successful ways for solving conflicts with their children and adolescents. It is a 4-day program using videos and vignettes to illustrate problems associated with divorce. Parents also have parenting classes that includes video sessions and role playing exercises to improve their effectiveness with their children.
Another option is Overcoming Barriers Family Camp, run by Matt Sullivan, Peggie Ward, and Robin Deutsch . This is a 5-day, 4 overnight intensive family camp in which both parents, step-parents, and children participate with other families also attending the camp during that 5-day time period. Psycho-educational programs, milieu therapy, and clinical interventions are utilized to work through family impasses and for the child and the rejected parent to establish a relationship using a family system’s approach (involving all members of the family). Children meet in their own groups with mental health professionals while their parents meet in separate groups, also with mental health professionals. Camp activities are also included during the 5-day stay.
New Ways for Families, conceived of by Bill Eddy teaches parents decision making skills so that they learn how to make decisions rather than relying on professionals and the courts to makes decisions for them. It consists of four 6-16 week programs that focus on problem solving skills and decision making. Parents are taught to control their feelings, to think about other options, to control their own behavior, and how to manage their children’s feelings.
Custody Reversal occurs when the child is separated from favored parent and lives with the rejected parent. This is considered a last resort and to be implemented when all other inventions, such as parent coordination family therapy, psycho-education programs have failed. It is controversial because of the consequences of separating a child in an enmeshed relationship with a parent or having the child remain there.
Another option is the Multi-modal Family Intervention (MMFI) which has been updated and modified by Friedlander and Walters . This approach utilizes a combination of individual psychotherapy, family therapy, educational techniques, coaching, and case management to focus on the child’s rejection of the parent. This is a clinical approach that includes not only improving the child’s relationship with the rejected parent but also addressing the child’s relationship with the favored parent. In order for this treatment to be effective, both parents need to be involved and to understand how their behaviors have affected the child’s behavior.
Friedlander and Walters, contrary to other writers, maintain that parental alienation is uncommon but other family dynamics are more typical. A child may have an affinity to one parent (preferring one parent to another), or have an enmeshed or merged relationship with one parent where the parent and child have a poor sense of boundaries, or a child feeling estranged from one parent. When a child has experienced neglectful parenting or has either been the victim of or has witnessed sexual, emotional, and/or physical, abuse, the child may become estranged from the rejected parent. For these situations, Friedlander and Walters state that the MMFI works well.
Outcomes:
There is very limited research data on the effectiveness of each of the programs that are described above. The data that is reported is by the organization or individuals running the programs. Additionally, the programs have had a small number of participants on whom to report data. These programs are expensive and travel costs need to be taken into account.
Some of these programs also raise ethic concerns. For example, how ethical is it to change custody? For Overcoming Barriers Family Camp, how is it determined when a child, who is resisting the other parent, is ready for contact with that parent? What criteria is used?
The various remedies described above do not represent all of the possible programs that are available to families struggling with the aftermath of divorce when children refuse to see one parent but it provides the attorney with a brief overview of some possible options. Naturally, the earlier an intervention is made the better so that the family members can have more normal relationships with each other.